|
----------------------------------------------
Hi Dave Dyer and class
Waif-like Michael Cox offering himself up for adoption here
Best wishes
Exclaim Och < easy anagram
----------------------------------------------
Hi Michael,
sorry to be so slow replying to your email (Easter holidays). Some of the children worked out that
'Exclaim Och' was an anagram of your name!
We've booked tickets for two classes (about 65 children) to come and see you at
Brighton Festival, and we've also let all the Year 6 children look at your
web-site and choose a book each (which are now at last on their way from
Amazon).
Here are a couple of messages from children -
Dear Mr Cox
I have read your book about the Internet and I found it very interesting I have
learnt a lot about it and I look forward to reading more of your books.
Miles Year 6
Dear Mr Cox
my name is Jasmine I am writing to ask if you are writing any books at the
moment. Do you work on more then one book at a time? And how many more books are
you thinking about writing? Are you thinking about being an author all your life?
Jasmine Walker 11 Middle Street school
In the next few days, I'll put a page up on our school web-site (www.middlestreet.org)
with the texts of our emails so that children can keep track without having to
use email all the time.
Best wishes
Dave Dyer
-------------------------------------------
Subject: Dear hornswoggling and
larrybumptious snollygosters
Dear Class Year 6 of Middle Street
Primary School and Mr Dyer (aka Dave / Sir )
Thank you for your email and your questions and thank you for unravelling that
wakdraw ranamag for me.
I have looked at your school web site and the map of your location. You are near
that big, blue, wet thingy, aren't you? How many metres above sea level are
you? And does it ever come in your classroom when the tide is particularly high
or on really windy days? And do you all rush off for quick paddles at playtimes?
Answers to Jasmine’s questions - as follows:
1) Q : Are you writing any books at the moment.
A: No, I'm writing this email to you ... ha ha. But seriously, yes, I am. I’m
doing some fiction at the moment, which I have been desperate to do for yonks
but have been to busy writing non-fiction,visiting schools and combing my hair
(it’s a sad little thing but it does like to be combed ). The fiction I am
writing has got yaks, kittens and pirates in it. So there!
2) Q: Do you work on more then one book at a time?
A: Yes, and since I had my extra arms attached, this has become loads easier.
3) Q: And how many more books are you thinking about writing?
A: About ten fowzand (as they say round my way).
4) Q: Are you thinking about being a author all your life?
A: Yes, ever since I was a puppy.
Today’s riddle: What starts with "e" ends with "e" and contains only one letter?
Answers on fifty pound notes please.
And today’s amazing true news story
EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY WALKS TO SCHOOL
.... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
An eight-year-old boy has walked to school in the middle of the night in Aachen
in Germany. He was found at 3 o’clock in the morning and picked up by the police
as he walked home, carrying his school bag. He told them that he’d been to
school but discovered it was closed, so he’d decided to go home again. His mum
and dad were still fast asleep when the police got him back and they didn’t even
know he’d left the house. The boy said he’d woken up, mis-read the time on his
alarm clock, thought he was late for school and gone rushing off to lessons.
Ha!
And almost finally ... Miles of Yr 6: I'm pleased that you learned something
from reading ‘The Incredible Internet’ (wot one rote). Did the gorilla story
make you cry? By the way, shouldn't you now be ‘Kilometres’ of Yr 6, what with
us going metric and whatnot?
Best wishes
Michael
PS Can I send copies of my emails to you to Sarah who is organising us?
-------------------------------------------
| Subject : |
flabber-smacked and gob-ghasted |
DEAR CLASS 6 and MR DYER
A swift email to say ....
I am dead chuffed that you are all coming to see me at the Feastival
BTW: If any of you fancy walking around Brighton wearing a COME AND SEE MICHAEL
COX AT THE FESTIVAL sandwich board and shouting out nice things about me through
a megaphone I reckon it’s definitely worth a few free signed books - only joking
(or am I?).
I have only been to Brighton about four or seven times before - the first was
when I was about 14 or 15 when I hitch-hiked there from my home in
Nothinghamshire in about 1964 to see the Mods and Rockers pulling faces at each
other and dissing each others’ hair-dos and whatnot on the beaches - but I told
my Mum I was staying at my pal’s house down the road - yes, naughty I know, but
I did fess up and apologise to her a bit later on (when I was 43). Anyway, after
all sorts of really scary adventures on the road, involving riding on the backs
of lorries full of sand in pouring rain, getting stuffed into a pop group’s van
with all their instruments, sleeping in fields full of donkeys and getting lifts
from maniacs in Aston Martins, I ended up in a shelter on the sea front at
Brighton, freezing cold at four o’clock in the morning, all on my ownliness and
wishing I was at home in bed with my pet hamster Frederick (Frederick didn’t
actually sleep in my bed - his little hamster-starter-hut was in my bedroom).
Luckily for me, a really friendly policeman found me and gave me two shillings
to go and buy a cup of tea and a giant sandwich at an all- night cafe. So, thank
you kind policeman - you saved my bacon (buttie).
NB CLASS 6 - whatever you do, DON’T do the hitch-hiking thing yourselves! It was
really dangerous back then and I had some near escapes getting lifts with fruit
and nut cases and having people trying to bundle me in sacks and run off with me
and even worse! - but now it’s about 5000 times more dangerous so .... DON’T
EVER DO IT!
I’m away all this week on a top secret author research trip to a place called
Foreign but the minute I return to Englandland I’ll bung you another email.
Toodle pip and all the best
Michael
-------------------------------------------
Hi Michael,
We've finally received our delivery from Amazon, and every child is fully
equipped with at least one of your books. Here is an email-sackful of questions
and comments from a variety of inquisitive children-
Gabriella asks -
When did you start becoming a writer what inspired you to start writing?
Have you written any grown-up books?
Do you have any children?
Kizzy enquires -
What do you think is your best book ?
Do you think you have written your best book yet ?
Do you have any pets? I have a dog called Mojo.
p.s. I'm reading Elvis and his Pelvis.
Laura questions-
How old are you ?
How many books have you written so far this year
?
What's your favourite colour ?
Molly asks (in a way that implies that you can't trust story-tellers to tell the
truth) -
Did you really hitch-hike to Brighton?
and..
When you wrote 'Dead Famous Elvis and his Pelvis' how did you find out all
the little details, like his girl friends names, his weight before and after.
Oh, and
that he flew halfway across America for 22 giant hamburgers? I wondered this
as I read your book for the 3rd time. And how did you come up with all those
jokes? Maybe you should quit writing and be a full time comedian! Can't wait
to hear from you.
Rosa queries -
What is your favourite book that you've written?
How long did it take you to write Elvis and his Pelvis?
Do you like chocolate?
P.S. I'm reading 'Elvis and his Pelvis'
Heloise and
Jonathan collaboratively enquire –
We were
inspired by the introduction of Top 10 Ghost Stories - what made you think of
writing about ghosts?
Olivia
interrogates -
Just to ask,
does your brain hurt a lot ? because your head’s full of great
ideas for your amazing books.
When did you realise you wanted to be a writer? and how old were you?
Could you give me some tips on how to be a good author? because when I'm older i
want to travel and write books.
P.S Could you tell Chris Smedley his illustraitions are amazing!
Sienna appreciates -
I'm writing to tell you how good Ghost Stories is and ask you a few questions
about you and your books.
How many books have you written?
And do you have any sisters or brothers?
I've got two sisters unfortunately, I wish I didn't.
I am reading Ghost Stories now.
You’ll probably be grateful that most of the boys
in Year 6 are very slow typists and haven’t finished their questions yet!
------------------------------------------------
Dear Class Six and Mr
Dyer
Thank you for your e-mail. This is not an email - I have also sent it as a
letter which is what they used to send in the old days when children were kept
in shoe boxes and proper gentlemen wore their ties and underpants to take their
monthly baths ... and more importantly, before MAD BOFFINS INC got round to
inventing the World Wide Interweb. It (the letter) will probably be delivered to
your school by a multi-faceted, intergalactic, virtual superbeing (i.e. the
postman). The reason for this is that my web brutes forbade me from sending
emails unless I authenticated my SMTP (or Hessian Teepee?) ... which I have now
done
Now, here are the answers to your probing questions and merciless interrogation
(please stop shining that light in my eyes, give me drink of water ... and allow
me one phone call to my lawyer).
Gabriella
When did you start becoming a writer what inspired you to start writing?
I started writing at around the time I learned to write but completely forgot to
write down when this was but I know my Mum taught me to read before I started
school so it was probably about then (or possibly last Tuesday?).
Have you written any grown-up books?
No, but I am planning on doing a funny one one day. However, I have done
groan-up writing for a web site on the Internet called easyart.com where I write
about famous artists and whatnot but in a funny way.
Do you have any children?
Yes I’ve got 18 of the little scamps - cor ... they don’t half eat a lot. Not
really - just one called Tom who is almost 30 years old and is also an author
and a journalist who writes for newspapers like the Times and Observer - but cor,
he don’t half eat a lot.
Kizzy
What do you think is your best book ?
Hard to say. Also, if I mention a particular one, all the others get really
jealous. So I better keep quiet.
Do you think you have written your best book yet ?
Definitely not. Oh no ... that’s done it! They’re all hissing and sucking their
teeth at me now!
Do you have any pets?
Yes, a yak called Sadie and an ant called Sting.Not really - just a load of fish
and a cat who won’t stop miaowing (the cat, not the fish). We used to have a
herd of chickens too including a massive cockerel called Eggbert who used to
peck my legs when I fed them (the chickens, not my legs) but most of them
eventually donated themselves to Foxfam. We also have three ducks, two
pheasants, a woodpecker and a load of robins and blue-twits and stuff but we
share them with our next door neighbour, Old Mother Nature.
p.s. I'm reading Elvis and his Pelvis.
Yes, I’ve read that too
Laura
How old are you ?
Mind your own business! Polite children don’t ask 55-year-olds such personal
questions.
How many books have you written so far this year ?
Only a couple so far but normally I do about four or five each year
What's your favourite colour ?
Blurple followed by 62 followed by tandoori
Molly
Did you really hitch-hike to Brighton?
Most definitely and to quite a few other places too including Germany (but only
when the war was finished)
When you wrote 'Dead Famous Elvis and his Pelvis' how did you find out all the
little details, like his girl friends names, his weight before and after. Oh,
and that he flew halfway across America for 22 giant hamburgers? I wondered this
as I read your book for the 3rd time.
I read tons of books about him plus internet sites and I watched some films too.
(then I ignored all that and made it up - ha!)
And how did you come up with all those jokes?
I subscribe to a dial-a-joke service. I ring them up and clowns on motor
scooters deliver them to my front door (then fall over).
Maybe you should quit writing and be a full time comedian!
Lots of people have told me that (but thankfully not my editors - phew!)
Rosa
What is your favourite book that you've written?
Oh no, now you’ve got them all muttering again .....
How long did it take you to write Elvis and his Pelvis?
About three months but I was doing two others at the same time, not to mention
building my own en-suite dolphinarium.
Do you like chocolate?
Not half. I’m a two bar a day man - mainly the brown sort.
Heloise and Jonathan
We were inspired by the introduction of Top 10 Ghost Stories - what made you
think of writing about ghosts?
I used to be scared of them when I was little and thought I would be got by one
if I didn’t get downstairs before the toilet had finished flushing (which is
odd, because we lived in a bungalow). I also used to tell all the other kids on
our street ghost stories as we sat on the kerb under the street lamp eating our
bread and jam and sniffing each others’ armpits (yes, we were a sophisticated
lot) . One night there was knock on our door at about eleven o’clock and my Mum
woke me up to stay that Mrs H from up the street had come to say that all her
six kids were wide awake and petrified and groaning with terror because of the
ghost stories I’d told them so I had to get out of bed and go and explain to
them that there was nothing to worry about as they were all just a figment of my
imagination (the ghost stories, not the kids).
Olivia
Just to ask, does your brain hurt a lot ?
All the time ... which is why I wrap my head in this wet towel filled with
crushed ice (cool, or what?).
Could you give me some tips on how to be a good author?
Yes - in my next email to you. But don’t start until I’ve made my first ten
billion quid!
P.S Could you tell Chris Smedley his illustrations are amazing!
Will do!
Sienna
How many books have you written?
About 36 so far I think
And do you have any sisters or brothers?
No, I’ve never had any of them and I think it’s probably a bit late to get any
now.
I've got two sisters unfortunately, I wish I didn't.
Ooer! When I was little, other kids used to feel sorry for me and lend me their
unwanted brothers and sisters - but only if I paid them e.g Tracey Murphy would
lend me her extremely smelly and irritating six-year-old brother for two hours
in exchange for a partly-sucked lollipop, a threepenny bit and a last week’s
copy of the Beano. Expensive, yes (but I was grateful for small Murphys).
THE END
Best wishbones to you all
Michael
---------------------------------------
Hello to Class 6 and Mr Dyer
Bonjour / Bon Jovi / Bonjela
Swift email today .... more tomorrow.
Are you all in the middle of your SATs ? If so, don't read this email as it may
affect your results / render you incapable of normal thought / make all your
teeth fall out / scramble your thinking-tackle.
The other week I had a short holiday on the island of Madeira which is in the
Atlantic Ocean south of Portugal, west of Morocco (and a swift bus ride from
Basildon). It belongs to Portugal who baggsed it when they found it about 500
years ago as in :- 'Oh look ... a blinking great island covered in trees and
full of no people! Let's have it! OK then ... THE END (shucks! that sort of
thing never happens to me)
It is famous for ...
its flowers ... blooming brilliant (stop yawning) - its scrummy yellow Madeira
cake (stop drooling) - it is also covered in thousands of old-beige pensioners
(do you have these in Brighton?)
but the best / worst bits for me were ...
a) walking around and hearing parroty-sounding 'birds' all screeching, roaring,
cackling and hooting incredibly noisily but not being able to see them anywhere
no matter how hard we looked then realising it wasn't birds at all but hundreds
of incredibly stroppy, little, striped amphibians which were obviously some sort
of utterly fearless and terrifying cross between a frog, a pit-bull terrier and
a cyber-pixie who were forever jumping on each other and scrapping ferociously
whilst yelling out all manner of insults and horrendous swear words (but all in
Frog, so as not to offend the old-beige pensioners)
all very entertaining ... until they jump out of their pond and come leaping
towards you screeching and honking, having mistaken you for a particularly
large, potential husband / wife / rival ( I knew it was a mistake to wear my
spotty green hiking suit)
b) mountain walking ... or in my case, mountain-crawling (i.e. gibbering in
terror on my hands and knees with my eyes closed ) along 30cm wide crumbling
cliff-face paths next to 500 metre sheer drops which would have made an eagle
dizzy
c) coming round a corner on a wild mountain footpath and suddenly finding myself
face to face with a pack of wild dogs ( i.e. wuffians)
what happened next?
I am now back in my scribblarium and am faced with a difficult choice. I have
got a heap of writing ideas in front of me which I have now narrowed down to
just these two for today .....
a) 10 short daft horror stories
b) a book about how to look after pet mammoths
which to go for? - vote now!
Best wishes
Michael
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi
Michael,
Year 6 have had a strange week - one day off for Bank Holiday, one day off while
the school was used as a polling booth, interviews for our new headteacher and
revision for SATS (next week).
Here are a few more questions for you -
I have been reading your book nightmare on Eck street and I thought it was
really good, I like it because it really sets the scene and gives you the
picture clearly.
I would like to ask you a few Questions.
1. Did you get any of your characters from real people?
2. Who is your hero (which writer)?
Robyn
I have been reading your book Agincourt.
1. What gave you the idea to write this kind book?
2. The battle of Agincourt did happen, but did you make up the character, Jenkin
Lloyd?
3. At the top of my book it says "My Story". Is Agincourt a true story of what
happened to you?
4. If this is true, then I would like to know if you are a time traveler, an
immortal, very old or something else.
From Joe McCormack
I'm now reading Top Ten Ghost Stories, even though my book came late in the post
I am nearly finished. That's how much I am glued to your book. It really is
scary, I can't read it at night
because of nightmares. My favourite story so far is probably The Turn Of The
Screw but I am changing my mind all the time.
My friend Daisy is also reading the book, me and my friends (including Daisy)
have tried to contact the dead using the tips in your book. Did you ever try to
contact them when you were our age (11) or have you tried recently? If you have
were you answered? And what did you ask?
And did you do it again or did it frighten you so much that you vowed never to
do it again? It certainly scared the wits out of me!
Molly
We'll try and fit a vote in on Monday on which book you should write next!
Best Wishes
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dave Dyer and Year Sixpence
You have had a busy week, haven't you? Do you really get to interview the
candidates for your new headteacher's job? Wow! What sort questions did you ask
them?
Now, some answers to your questions to me (and some more tomorrow)
1. Did you get any of your characters from real people?
Yes, the Blodvat sisters: Scrofula, Diptheria and Bacteria, are based on three
of my old girlfriends - as you can see, I had impeccable good taste.
2. Who is your hero (which writer)? Groan-up books : John Irving
Children’s books : Bob Wilson
I have been reading your book Agincourt.
1. What gave you the idea to write this kind book?
I was walking across Blackheath Common in London where my son used to live when
I was suddenly struck by this idea /old lady with an umbrella / low flying
goose. It’s a huge, open, grassy area where thousands of victims from the Great
Plague were chucked into dirty great pits (mainly when they were dead), which is
one of the reasons it was never built on. It’s also where Wat Tyler (along with
his less famous brothers: Wat Carpetfitter and Wat Bricklayer) got together with
his revolting peasants and cried “Let’s trounce the toffs!” prior to being
stabbed to death (as he said at the time, 'Is this bad luck .. or Wat?).
However, more significantly, for me, it was where King Henry V and his lads were
given their jubilant welcome by the people of London on their victorious return
from Agincourt (after which they did six laps of the Common in an open-topped
double-decker bus).
2. The battle of Agincourt did happen, but did you make up the character, Jenkin
Lloyd? Yes, Jenkin is a fig roll of my imagination. It was actually quite
difficult to get a handle on how he would react to going to France. In those
days most people couldn’t read or write, spent their entire life labouring on
the local farm, never travelled more than three or four miles from the village
they were born in and usually ended up marrying their cousin (or their favourite
carthorse).
So, for Jenkin, going off to France would be like you lot suddenly being told
that Uncle Tony Blair was whisking you all off to the Planet Zlob (3 million
light years away) to fight the evil three-headed, fifteen legged,
poison-spitting Potato people, famous for sticking their eighteen foot proboscis
down your ear hole and sucking out all your common sense, one brain cell at a
time.
At the top of my book it says "My Story". Is Agincourt a true story of what
happened to you? If this is true, then I would like to know if you are a time
traveler, an immortal, very old or something else.
All three to be frank ( or Michael, or Cuthbert). I’m off to watch Hannibal take
his elephants across the Alps this arvo. Actually, amazing true fact here (but
not for the squeamish). Did you know that Hannibal's elephant drivers / pilot /
jockeys? carried a huge big hammers and spikes round with them. This was
because the elephants occasionally turned round mid-battle and charged back at
their own side squidging soldiers willy nilly as they went? As the
Carthaginians hadn’t yet got round to fitting the elephants with hand brakes or
electronic stability programmes, the hammer and spike was the only thing they
had to get them to stop. Uuuurgh! Bet you wished you’d never asked me that!
Good luck with your Slow Agonizing Tortures - Sit And Tiddles - Spicy Ant
Puddings - Seriously Aggressive Tortoises ...
Michael
------------------------------
Hi Michael,
SATs week - so not
much time to email, but we did have a quick vote on which book you should work
on next. The results were:
10 short daft
horror stories - 23 votes
A book about how
to look after pet mammoths - 8 votes
So, not surprisingly
with this class, horror proves more popular!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Class 6 and Dave,
Thanks for the vote. I'm working on it.
Hope your SATs went brilliantly and you have all scored huge amounts of points
causing your parents / guardians to
a) buy you new bikes and clothes and stuff
b) decide to start feeding you again c) feel really inferior in view of your
vastly superior intelligence, knowledge and wisdom
Now, I'll briefly up date you on my currant goings-on - as I can't see a
raisin why not to ...
A) I have mainly been writing this week (bet that came as a surprise)
B) The ducks who live in our garden arrived with 10 tiny ducklets the other day,
the next day there were only 6 and now there are only 3. Those parent ducks are
are so careless with their children! But I suppose it keeps the bills down.
And now, here is the answer to Molly's question about me and Ghosts
Q: Did you ever try to contact them when you were our age (11) or have you tried
recently?
MC: No I never did. They always contacted me first. No, not really, I was too
scared. But, when I was a 10-something, just around the corner from our house
there was
a) a big wild wood
b) an old-fashioned gypsy camp with painted caravans and horses (the horses
weren’t painted, just the caravans)
c) a canal with half-sunken wooden barges d) masses of fantastic giant steam
trains thundering up and down the main Midlands railway line. In other words a
really brilliant place to grow up!
The big wild wood was said to be haunted by the ghost of a bloke who had died
there whilst picking blue bells during the 1930s ( eight-foot-tall, killer blue
bells were quite common in those days). In the daytime, this wood was where we
built underground dens, lit camp fires, strung up rope ladders and swung from
tree to tree like the bunch of scruffy, little Neanderthals we were. However, at
night, all the kids from our street would dare each other to go into these woods
on their own and face the ghost of Blue Bell Jack (as he was known). It was
incredibly dark in there and really, really scary with unseen ‘creatures’ such
as foxes, owls and badgers all snuffling and growling and hooting (and believe
me, there’s nothing more terrifying than the hoot of a wild badger), so you had
to to be really brave (or stupid) to stay in there for more than about half a
minute. Quite often, the smaller, more timid kids would come running out
screaming, with their eyes popping out and their hair standing on end because
they thought they’d just seen Jack’s ghost (or remembered that their library
book was overdue). However, the worst things that actually ever happened to us
in these woods were a) having to stay at the top of a tree all day because the
dogs from the gypsy camp wanted to sniff and lick you all over (as they got
ready to eat you) b) falling into the canal after losing your grip on the rope
swing, getting covered in frog spawn and slime from head to toe, standing in
front of a camp fire in an attempt to dry out but only ending up feeling really
ill having been asphyxiated by the camp fire smoke. Then, as if that wasn’t all
bad enough, having to explain to your mum why your clothes were all charred and
your hair was full of barbecued tadpoles.
IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Sadly, nowadays, just as with hitch-hiking, it would be
incredibly DANGEROUS to do the going-into-the-woods-after-dark thing, so don’t
try it! The world has changed loads in the last 50 years, including that wood,
which is now a housing estate. And would you believe it, the builders had the
cheek to build a massive great pub built right on top of our best den. The nerve
of it!
Err, what was the question?
Best wishlets
Michael
----------------------------------------
Dear Class 6 and Dave
Ayup (as they say round our way). For some light relief after your gruelling /
piece of cake / thrilling SATs here are some ungruelling daft wind-up notices
, letters and multiple choice daftness for you to fill in / pass to your
parents / friends/ guardians / gerbils.
Hope you enjoy doing them.
Best wishes
Michael
FIRST ONE - WRITE OUR OWN (OR YOUR FRIEND'S) END OF YEAR REPORT - just fill in
your name (or your pal's name) then choose and go
End Of Year Report For .............................
ENGLISH - ................. has a unique and remarkable talent for producing
exciting stories / massive ‘glow - the - dark ’ bogies / rabbits out of top
hats
Handwriting - .................’s handwriting is immaculate / frightening /
loopy
MATHS - .................. ‘s mathematical ability is second only to that of
Einstein / a house brick / a hamster’s bottom.
ART - ................... ‘s artistic abilities are breathtaking / nonexistent
/ messy.
I suggest that ............ is encouraged to pursue a career as an artist /
taken to see an optician / kept away from art materials for the rest of their
life.
MUSIC - .............. has the ear / voice / underpants of ... Van Gogh /
Beethoven / Robbie Williams and should look forward to / avoid at all costs /
strive for a career as a concert pianist / burglar alarm / monk (completely
silent type) .
SPORT - .................... has all the athletic ability of .... Linford
Christie / a carrot / a potato crisp. Their attempt at the 100 gas meter
hurdles / synchronised skipping / walking in a straight line was ... hilarious
/ a danger to all concerned / superbly successful .
GENERAL ATTITUDE - ..................... is a smelly heap of wombat’s doings /
hardworking and pleasant child / useful ( but hopelessly dim ) chalk monitor
who at all times tries his / her / its level best to produce superb work / win
the caretaker’s wages off him at poker / spend all day in the lavs
CLASS TEACHER’S GENERAL COMMENT - I can genuinely / slimily / not say that
teaching this lovely child / apology for a human being / small furry mammal
....................... - has been a complete pleasure / nightmare / out of
body experience. I wish them the best of luck / best of six / to be locked up
forever and the key thrown away.
......................... - Class Teacher
HEADTEACHER’S COMMENT - Number .... otherwise known as ............ is a
pleasant / evil and putrid / astonishingly tall .... boy / girl / dinner
lady who is a waste of space / big dollop of sticky pudding / credit to the
school and I am looking forward to seeing the ten quid they owe me / them do
just as well next year / your whole family move out of this area
.............................. Headteacher
NUMBER TWO - - NEW SCHOOL DINNER MENUS LETTER FOR PARENTS AND GUARDIANS - JUST
PRINT IT OFF AND TAKE IT HOME
Important Changes To School Dinner Menu
Dear parent / guardian
You may have already seen reports in the national press regarding an important
eating survey coupled with extensive scientific tests that came up with
surprise results regarding the nutritional value of certain food stuffs. As you
will no doubt appreciate - we make every effort to ensure that the growing
children in our care benefit from the greatest variety of fresh and nourishing
ingredients - we have therefore decided to implement the following improved
weekly menu which will take effect from ..../ ..../....
MONDAY - Starter - Scab Salad ( freshly picked, of course) - Main course -
Swamp rat cutlet in housefly sauce or Giant African land snail in giblet jelly
with delicious dandruff topping - Sweet - Tortoise Crunch or Lemming Meringue
Pie
TUESDAY - Starter - Septic spot soup with cold-sore croutons orWart’dolph
salad
Main course - Roast Turk with mange and bunion stuffing, thistle flan and
potatoes a la Ditchesse Sweet - Dung Beetle Delight
WEDNESDAY - Starter - Vermin Cocktail or Greasy Hair Pie Main course -
Sizzling, stir fried spleen of stinkbug, lightly tossed in warm maggot
mayonnaise or Chef’s special ! Scrumptious pan festered baboon buttocks in a
black bilge sauce . Sweet - Blow Fly Fudge or Saliva Surprise
THURSDAY - Old favourites day Main course - Hot ‘dogs’ - choice of flavours
.. Spaniel, Golden Retriever, Highland Terrier .. or Toad Spawn In The Hole or
Welsh Rabies or Bangers And Trash - all served with Scrambled Dregs and Snot
Roast Vegetables
Sweet - Apple and Sainsberry Pie with Mice Cream or Black Ferret Gateau (
yummeee! )
FRIDAY - Starter - Goldfish gizzard in chilli ‘vinaigrette’ Main course -
Wart-hog hash swimming in lashings of delicious gopher gut gravy. Sweet -
Bluebottle Blancmange or Bathscum Cheese
***
We have your child’s health at heart and would therefore encourage you to tick
box A, B, or C - then sign and return the attached tear off strip to their
class teacher .
Yours sincerely ......................... Head Of School Catering Service
------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
I wish my child ................. to A - stay for school dinners B - to be
held down by the dinner ladies and force fed school dinners C - to be made to
eat school dinners plus the other children’s left overs D - not to stay
school dinners at all and to be allowed to go to the chip shop / take-away /
burger bar etc every single school day !
............................... School
NUMBER THREE - REALLY 'CONVINCING' EXCUSE LETTER FOR NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK
Dear ......
I am writing to explain why my son / daughter ............... is unable to
hand in their homework this morning. During the past twenty four hours our
family has had a rather strange / terrifying / enriching experience and I am
quite sure that when you read about it you will feel very tearful for / jealous
of / sympathetic towards .................. .
The whole of this hilarious / gut wrenching / weird and inexplicable episode
began at about six o’clock yesterday evening just as the whole family were
splashing about in the bath / sitting down to tea / trying to out stare the
cat. All of a sudden we heard bellowing / people shouting in French / the
doorbell and looked out to see that our little house was completely surrounded
by thousands and thousands of eighteenth century French peasants / overexcited
wildebeestes / Avon ladies who were all pawing the ground / smiling
insincerely / shaking their fists and spitting contemptuously . As we listened
in amazement to their cries of personal discomfort /‘Down wiz ze stinky
aristocrats !’ / ‘Avon Calling’ and the blood curdling sounds of facial
makeovers being applied / huge dollops of dung hitting the ground / a
guillotine being erected in our front garden it suddenly dawned on us that
the .............s wanted us to milk them / to cut off our heads / to sell us
some banana flavoured skin cream which was all very upsetting and frightening
especially as we haven’t got Royal blood / banana flavoured skin / a bucket.
We immediately rang the police / Citizens Advice Bureau / our hands in terror
and screamed for assistance / some Rich Tea biscuits / Esther Rantzen but the
................ told us they couldn’t help because they were far too busy /
thick / frightened to be of much use and said that they would send round a home
help / Alan Titchmarsh / an undertaker to tidy up our flower beds / grisly
remains / front room the very next day.
At this point our plucky son / daughter ............... said, “Well someone’s
got to do something !” and they ran outside and bravely began bargaining with
/ slapping / milking the ............. s . After about fifteen minutes /
seconds / hours of savage and ferocious, hand to hand fighting / udder
squeezing / nail care demonstrations the ............ began to sqabble
amongst themselves / moo contentedly / hand over their entire supply of all
in one shampoo and conditioner and we were finally able to finish our tea /
have our bath / humiliate the cat.
The next morning the only thing that was left to remind us of this strange
occurence was a huge pile of country pancakes / false eyelashes / dead
aristocrats on our front lawn and we all felt really relieved / absolutely
gorgeous / a right load of ninnies.
So that is why ............... has not handed in their homework.
Yours sincerely ........................
Parent or guardian of ...............
PS - This sort of thing is / is not a regular occurence in our street and we
are very proud of ................. and hope that you will give them an extra
day / a couple of weeks / fifteen years to finish the work in view of the
circumstances.
NUMBER FOUR - COMPLETELY 'GENUINE' SCHOOL NEWS LETTER
Dear parents,
Well - here it is again - our fascinating annual / termly / pathetic account
of all of the wonderful / stupid / disgusting things that have been
happening at ............. School.
1. School Fund - We are pleased / reluctant / not going to tell you that the
recent school fair / auction of unwanted children / brilliantly planned bank
robbery raised 5p / £5,000,000 / a big laugh. This pathetic / fabulous /
measly sum will now be put towards providing a new computer / set of false
teeth / Rolls Royce for class ... / my gran / the Director Of Education
2. Parking - Your co-operation is needed - Mr ............ our caretaker, has
informed us that despite many previous warnings / executions / batterings some
parents are still parking their cars / camels / flying saucers in the infant
playground / boys’ toilets / deputy head’s trouser pocket - if this practise
continues we will be forced to slap an ASBO on you / let your tyres down / hold
your children to ransome.
3. Lost property - We have an ever growing pile of lost property which now
includes 3,000 white anoraks / a front door / an extremely smelly baby / the
Lost City of Atlantis / Kylie Minogue. On ....day all of the lost property
will be put on display in the hall / made into tasty snacks / given a good
talking to
4. School Trip - Class ...’s annual trip to Outer Mongolia /Twycross Zoo / the
loo was a tremendous success / shambles / disgrace. During the trip all of the
children took part in lots of exciting / banned / totally pointless activities
like invading China / washing their hands / feeding the coach driver with stick
insects. The high point of the whole trip came on ....... when ......... of
class .... was eaten by a hippopotamus / appointed Mayor of Ulan Bator /
snogged by a penguin.
5. Visits To School - Last ...day the whole school spent a miserable / shocking
/ enjoyable .... five seconds / half hour / two days when the vicar / some
mice / the whole population of Manchester gave us a fascinating / boring /
nauseating talk and slide show on the history of mud / knitting prize winning
cardigans for profit and pleasure / the secret life Mr / Mrs / Ms. ............
of class ..
6. Staff Changes - We are delighted / regret to inform you / unbelievably
relieved that after many happy years / five minutes / three centuries of ..
teaching / filing his nails / being an inspiration to us all Mr / Mrs /
Ms... of class .... will be leaving to take up a new post as an education
lecturer / exotic dancer / gorilla-gramme and we wish him/ her / it every
success in their new job / swimming trunks / tree house. You will no doubt be
pleased to know that they are to be replaced by a very experienced and
brilliant teacher / orang-utan / loo brush.
7. Collection Of Unwanted Items - If any of you have any old Highland cattle /
grandparents / tin cans that are no longer of any use to you we would be
grateful to receive them for our recycling campaign. Before sending them in we
would ask you to give them a thorough scrub / remove their sticky labels / make
sure they’ve been to the toilet
8. Vacancy For A School Governor - A vacancy has arisen on the board of
governor’s due to the retirement / imprisonment / impending madness of
.......... . If you are at least six feet tall / like fighting / want to make a
quid or two on the side, no questions asked please apply in writing / send a
thousand pounds in a plain brown envelope to me, the headteacher.
That’s it for now - the next news letter will be out in my garden / a jiffy /
space / three months .
Yours woefully / wonderfully / bewilderedly - .................. - Headteacher
***
NUMBER FIVE
LETTER FROM SCHOOL TO YOUR PARENTS SAYING HOW AMAZING YOU ARE
Dear Parents / Guardians of ...............
Congratulations - aren’t you the lucky ones ! I just had to write this letter
because I am absolutely bursting to let you know just how well your amazing
son / daughter, ................ is doing at school at the moment. To give you
an indication of the sheer hyperwonderfulness of this superchild of yours here
are just a few of the phenomenal personal triumphs and good deeds they’ve
added to their evergrowing list of achievements ... in just one week !!
General - Got ‘A+’; ‘10 out of10’ and ‘flipping triffic’ for every single
piece of work they’ve produced - plus ..an astonishing 15 out of 10 in
Thursday’s spelling test.
In addition to which, on :-
Monday - ......... took over the school assembly when the headteacher was
called to the phone then read story in such a moving manner that it brought
tears to the eyes of whole school
Tuesday - ............. comforted and gave first aid to the rather short
sighted student teacher who mistook our school caretaker for a Year Six boy
and foolishly tried to make him take part in his PE lesson.
Wednesday - ............ lay across a particularly muddy puddle in the
playground to form a human bridge so that all of the Year One children wouldn’t
get their shoes dirty.
Thursday - ........ offered to be ‘the lollipop’ after our school
crossing lady broke hers on the head of a motorist who failed to obey her
‘stop’ signal
Friday - ........ gave the school secretary a good ticking off for doing
mad gorilla impressions behind the headteacher’s back
------
Plus ! - they’ve also helped the dinner ladies with the washing up every single
lunch time this week!
***
......... ’s sheer brilliance has now become so legendary that the other
teachers have begun to squabble over whose class they will be in next year.
We’ve even received a massive transfer fee offer from .....................
School who are desperate to get ............... on their books!
How ever did you manage to produce such a perfect young human being ? You are
obviously a very remarkable ( and proud ) set of parents / guardians
yourselves. It only remains for me to ask you to reward .............. as soon
as possible with one or all of the following richly deserved treats :-
* An outfit of trendy new clothes ( top designer label stuff of course!)
* A mountain bike ( nothing cheap or tacky mind you )
* A fortnight at Disney World
* A helicopter flight to a destination of their choice
* A 500 % increase in pocket money (back dated to their 0th birthday )
Yours, forever gratefully
......................... Class teacher
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Michael,
Sorry to be a bit slow
replying, but BT managed to cut off our Internet line from last Tuesday round
till today. Year 5 have been using your report generator to assess their own
performance over the last year. Here are a couple of examples:
END OF YEAR REPORT - for
Chloe
ENGLISH - Chloe has a
unique and remarkable talent for producing massive ‘glow - in- the - dark ’ bogies. Handwriting - Chloe’s handwriting is loopy.
MATHS - Chloe ‘s mathematical
ability is second only to a hamster’s bottom.
ART - Chloe ‘s artistic
abilities are breathtaking. I suggest that Chloe is encouraged to pursue a
career as an artist.
MUSIC - Chloe has the ear of
Robbie Williams and should look forward to a career as a burglar alarm .
SPORT - Chloe has all the
athletic ability of a potato crisp.
GENERAL ATTITUDE - Chloe is a
pleasant child - useful, but hopelessly dim.
CLASS TEACHER’S GENERAL
COMMENT - Teaching this lovely small furry mammal- Chloe - has been a complete
nightmare. I wish her to be locked up forever and to throw away the key because
she says I'm fat. Chloe has taken over the school and is the Head Teacher.
HEADTEACHER’S COMMENT - Chloe
otherwise known as evil and smelly. l am looking for a new dinner lady who is a
waste of space and also dollop of sticky pudding. I think Chloe is very smelly
with a hint of dog droppings. She is no credit to the school and I am happy to
say she will not be attending any more because she ate all of the schools
property and ate a lot of students during class and will go to prison and I wish
she is never coming out.
...........................
END OF YEAR REPORT - for
Conor
ENGLISH - Conor has a unique
and remarkable talent for producing rabbits out of top hats. Handwriting Conor’s
handwriting is frightening- why did you send him here?
MATHS - Conor ‘s mathematical
ability is second only to that of a house-brick.
ART - Conor‘s artistic
abilities are non-existent . I suggest that Conor is encouraged to keep away
from art materials for the rest of his life.
MUSIC - Conor has the ear of
Van Gogh and should look forward to striving for a career as a monk (completely
silent type) . SPORT - Conor has all the athletic ability of a carrot. His
attempt at the 100 gas meter hurdles was a danger to all.
GENERAL ATTITUDE -Conor is a
smelly heap of wombat’s doings.
CLASS TEACHER’S GENERAL
COMMENT - I can genuinely say that teaching this apology for a human being -
Conor- has been a completely nightmare experience. I wish him to be locked up
forever and the key thrown away. . - Class Teacher
HEADTEACHER’S COMMENT -
Number 4545454627 otherwise known as 'That' is an evil and putrid small boy who
is a big dollop of sticky pudding. You owe me £100 and I hope your whole family
move out of this area. ................................................
Headteacher
...........................
The children were
outraged by your proposals for reforming school dinners!
Year 5 and Year 6 are all
looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.
Best Wishes
-------------------------------------------------------
Our Year 5 and 6 classes went
to the Old Market Theatre to hear Michael give a talk at the opening event of
'26 letters' -the children's section of Brighton Festival's literary events.
They were very amused by the talk and formed an extremely long queue to get
their books autographed and cartooned! |
